Well it’s a good thing I mentioned it already so I don’t have to do it again. I HATE FUCKING DOCTORS. I went to the neurosurgeon yesterday about my tumor. He was arrogant and offensive but that’s no surprise. Of course he immediately felt the need to tell me that my weight problem needs to be addressed and that it would be almost impossible to do surgery on the tumor in my EAR CANAL because of my weight. Yeah, I see how that could be difficult. NOT! He claimed that because I’d have to lay on my side it would be difficult. I said yeah well, I sleep on my side so there should be no problem. Of course he continued on.

At this point I am very disgusted and don’t know what to do. My “best” option according to him is radiation to make the tumor stop growing. No matter what they do whether it’s radiation or surgery, I’m not going to get rid of the ringing in my ear or get back the hearing I’ve already lost.

If I do nothing at all, the tumor will continue to grow though he assures me it is very slow growing I will continue to lose more and more of the hearing in that ear.

I’m just pissed off that I can’t go to a fucking doctor who doesn’t feel the necessity to preach to me about my weight. Yeah yeah yeah I know, it’s not healthy blah blah blah but the way they act you’d swear I didn’t know that I was fat.

In the meantime, I suffer with ringing in my ear and lost hearing and ponder what to do about it.

I really think I need a 2nd opinion.

I HATE FUCKING DOCTORS

The verdict is in. I finally got the results of my MRI and yes it is a benign tumor (imagine that). The next step is to go to a neurosurgeon. I’m sure all of this will give me plenty of bitching fodder.

Have I mentioned I HATE fucking doctors?!

Three weeks ago today I had an MRI. I have yet to hear anything back about the MRI. You’d think it’s nothing important at the rate they’re going. I happen to think it’s pretty fucking important when they tell you it’s possible you have a tumor and have to do an MRI on your brain to see if it is or not. Though it’s not very likely that I have this benign tumor, it’s still possible and I want to know but apparently I’m the only one it matters to.

I hate doctors already and this is just part of the reason why. I am never taken seriously and am always fobbed off by medical people.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

About 2 years ago I decided to stop taking antidepressants. I decided I wasn’t depressed and even if I were, I was content to wallow in it rather than taking medicine any more. For several months now I have known that my depression was getting worse and I have still continued to ignore it. It has actually gotten so bad that I often have to choke back tears because I just feel like crying for no reason. There are other problems that I am having too that I know are depression signs but my stubbornness has been stronger than my sadness so I have ignored it all.

I have decided that I can’t ignore it any more. I can’t continue to feel like this. I’m so depressed and sad and angry and knotted up inside that I just can’t take it any more.

Even though I don’t want to take more medications, I feel I have no choice. I just can’t pull myself out of it and I know I’m just going to keep going downhill if I don’t do something.

Being a fat person, I am pretty careful about how much and where I walk in the winter time. I’ve had some pretty hard falls in past years. Some years (like last year) I get by without falling at all and other years like in 2004, I fall down 3 times in 2 weeks! Needless to say, I’m careful.

So last Thursday (Dec 13) I got a hankering for Doritos (something I don’t eat much) and stopped at the local station to get some. BAD IDEA!

I pulled up as close to the door as I could and they only have a little step up to get onto the sidewalk. I took the little step up and promptly fell down! There was ice right there on the step up. It was clear so I didn’t realize it was icy until I was laying on the ground. Worst part is, I fell on my already aching shoulder. Another customer there saw me fall and came running over to see if I was ok. I said I was but knew immediately I wasn’t. My hand bruised right away and my poor shoulder ached. I went inside and told the woman working I’d fallen and she asked (3 times) if I was ok and I said (3 times) NO and that was that. She didn’t offer any other assistance or anything but did say she was sorry and went and put some salt on the icy spot.

I got my stupid chips and came home and was in pretty bad pain. What hurt the absolutely worst was my neck on the opposite side. It was so bad I was afraid I had cracked a vertebra in my neck. I called the chiropractor and made an appointment for Friday morning.

I talked to a couple friends who said that the station should have to pay for any medical things from it as it was their problem it was icy. I called the station back Friday morning and said I need to seek medical treatment for this and the woman asked if I wanted her to fill out an accident report. I told her yes, you better just in case it’s worse than what I think (still thinking cracked vertebra). She said her manager would call me back.

No one called me back Friday. I went to the chiropractor and she felt my neck and said it was pretty tight and obviously jammed (the wrong way) and she adjusted me. She also put my thumb, wrist, and shoulder all back where they belonged. She told me I was in bad shape–I knew this–and that I would have to come back a few times to get things straightened out. She also said to ice my neck and shoulder (isn’t that what caused the problem–ice?!).

So I’ve been icing my shoulder and sitting like a lump all weekend.

I know though that falling this early in the not even yet winter means it’s going to be a bad season of falling down.

I don’t know now if I should call the station back again and say no one got back to me or what. maybe they think I’ll just go away. Having just moved to town I don’t want to cause any problems. One thing I like about having moved is that no one knows me and I like it that way. I like the low profile and don’t want to ruin it.

but I’m pretty sure they don’t.

Why is it that women have to deal with things like the sneezenpees? Why don’t men sneezenpee? It’s just not right!

nasty!

If you read the about me section (if you didn’t before do it now) you could understand why my back might hurt on a day to day basis; however, today has been a fucking bitch because my back hurts so bad I can’t even wipe my cooch! Now here’s the kicker–how I put my back out this time–I wore the wrong shoes! No shit! I decided to have a stubborn streak and wear my well worn in comfy shoes and go walking around. HELLO–not smart! Worse yet is that I have learned this lesson before yet I still chose to be a fucking moron and wear comfy shoes so today I have paid the price.