As a kid in school, the teachers would always ask what I wanted to be when I grew up and I never knew. I more knew what I didn’t want to be (teacher, nurse, secretary, house wife) than what I wanted to be. In the end I went to school and became a secretary and albeit a good one, I am not currently working in that line per say though much of what I do is related. Maybe the fact that I couldn’t make a decision as a child as to what I wanted to be has led me to be what I never wanted to be.

I am a very “needy” (I hate that word) person–I am emotionally NEEDY. I’m very lonely and spend most of my time by myself which is something I do not like at all. As it turns out, I’m not even a house-wife. I’m just a blob with little to no direction in life who sits being neeeeeedy and emotionally numb beyond that.

I have few friends (1, maybe 2) and one of them is even more “needy” than I am except for she thinks that sex is going to fix any problem she might have even though I tell her repeatedly it won’t.

To make matters worse (I guess) is that I do not have the ambition to make the changes I need to make to reverse being everything I never wanted to be. That’s been part of my problem my whole life–absolutely no ambition. I was never taught to work for things in life or strive to make life better. I was raised in a wholly different type of environment of acceptance of a miserable situation and to accept that yes, it was miserable but why bother to try to change anything–instead just bitch about it. GEEEEEEEE guess that lesson sunk in really well!

So as I sit wallowing in my misery knowing I won’t change anything about it I have to wonder why I won’t. If I knew that part or could understand it then maybe, just maybe I would have the ambition to change it but until then I will just continue to be everything I never wanted to be.